2/12/2010 - hello blogger

Today is 2/12/2010. Yesterday was my 18th birthday!!! How exciting right??? Well, although it started out fine, it took a turn for the worse. I met a guy (thats right ladies and gentlemen, im gay) who, for confidentiality reasons we will call Dick. I met Dick online. i know that dating websites are bad, but i figured i'd give it a try. anyways, i met Dick, we exchanged numbers, and began texting each other. Dick was SO sweet and funny, and i enjoyed talking to him so much! then, Wednesday after i got off work he asked if i wanted to hang out and celebrate my birthday and i said ok. so i drove over to his house, had that awkward "hi im Steven" "im Dick" moment and the proceeded into his house and up to his room. we sat there (fully dressed) and watched tv and talked, got to know each other a little more. then we ran to the store and on our way back got pulled over and had my car searched because the officer smelled pot (i have NEVER done ANY drugs in my life) and when that was over with we went back to his house, and hung out a bit more. thats when things went wrong. he took off his pants (he was under the covers, i was not) and then his polo (with a tee under it). so i was like, ok, he is just getting comfy. i was wrong. i heard a very distinct sound that when i turned to talk to him was confirmed, he was playing with himself!!! under the covers of course. and a few min pass and he reaches over, grabs my hand, places it on mr. happy, kisses me and then starts touching MY mr. happy. now i was very sexually attracted to Dick, but because of past experiances i was going to take it slow, so this throws me way off!!! and as im sure you will learn in days to come (if you continue reading my posts) i am addicted to cock! its like... my drug. so of course you put one in front of me and i cant resist. so... i gave him head. i enjoyed it, he enjoyed it, so i figure its sorta a win win, right? WRONG!!! i leave shortly after that (keep in mind this was like 430 am so we were both very tired). later in the day (thursday) i text him and he tells me he feels like death and that he is so tired, to that i reply, "im sorry. did you at least have fun last night/this morning? lol". to which HE replies, "yeah, but something kinda threw me off. your size." and im thinking, great ive fallen for yet another guy who is disgusted by my weight (im not fat, just a little stocky)!!! but to be on the safe side i asked him if he meant my weight or my cock. he said my cock!!!!!! now, im not going to lie, i am not black... i dont have a 12 in cock! but im not by any means small. i am just plain jane average sized me. but to him i guess what i call average is small. so im devastated as you can imagine. not only because he thinks i have a small cock but also because, at this point i had pretty much fallen for him, and he says that to me!!! (we had a convo about how he could never date a guy with a small dick). so, trying to keep my cool while working i said, " okay. well... if you want to be friends great, if not thats cool too." and he thinks that was mean of me! lmfao *get the fuck over yourself!!!*. so today he has hardly talked to me at all and the last message i sent him said, " have fun with whatever your doing. text me when you have time to talk. bye!" and he has yet to reply. on one hand i want him to talk to me and at least be friends. on the other im thinking, fuck him... i dont need a guy like that in my life. WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO?????? and on top of that... my room mate whom i love (sometime) told me i am a fucking idiot and that im easy. we talked about my self esteem problems, etc. so at this point im laying on the floor crying ant insisting to my friends that i dont want to come hang out and i am eating cookies and milk lol. i have been hurt so many times by so many people... why is he any different? why am i so upset about this???

in other news... other than Dick, ive had a pretty good couple of days. got lots of money from my friends/customers, have no school today, and may be going to a club in dallas on sunday!!! WOOO!!! lol.

i guess thats all for today yall!!! stay classy